Choosing to See

I recently read the book Choosing to See by Mary Beth Chapman.  I cried and I laughed as I took the Chapman journey through the tremendous trial of losing their daughter.  This book is one that I have many passages that I just need to memorize and put in my heart!  I loved the fact that Mary Beth Chapman was so real in her book!  She reminded me so much of myself!!  She continued to love God despite the grief that had entered her world.  But she was real in sharing those emotions of what was going on in her heart.

A quote from the book..."God!" I prayed.  "I don't know that I've ever been on a journey where I really needed faith before.  I could always see the path just fine.  But with this, I truly don't know where the road will lead.  I can only see enough by Your light to take the next little step.  And the next..."  "I'm willing to do this Lord," I prayed.  "But I'm scared."

There have been many things that I have encountered in my life.  But I have managed to handle them all with great faith.  When I took Chloe through her diagnosis days, God spoke to me early on.  He did indeed remind me that His grace was sufficient for me through all things.  With that word so clearly spoken to my heart, I didn't feel the need to beg God for healing for Chloe.  Even though my heart was sad, I had complete confidence and faith in Jesus.  When we struggled with Conner's health, it was such an ongoing thing that it never got me down.  The day a doctor, along with his nurse, walked into Conner' room and informed us that Conner needed to see a neurosurgeon due to a chiari malfomation, I still didn't waiver!  When Krisann was 5 weeks old, I made a long trip and took my mom to a diagnostic hospital where she was diagnosed with Alzheimers Disease along with a host of other things.  As I stood and held my dad one day in the hotel, my faith did not waiver.  When I'm laying on a table waiting for biopsy to be done, I told the nurse, I'm not worried about the results of this test.  But...when God afflicted my husband with MS...I felt for the first time my faith waiver.  But after reading this quote, maybe it's not my faith that waivered.  Maybe it's that I'm scared.  My security has been shook to the foundation.  I don't know what the future holds and when I glimpse at it, it scares me!  So I'm thinking...maybe instead of struggling that I'm not glowing with happiness...I should focus on the joy that Jesus gives and have the faith to take baby steps.  Sometimes knowing things in your head and connecting them with your heart can be a difficult task.