Continuing with listing my blessings!!
31. Thankful for a sweet conversation!
32. Thankful for our ministers at our church!
33. Thankful for getting lesson plans done and homeschool done this week.
34. Thankful for a bit of time to brainstorm and research some curriculum options for next year.
35. Thankful that my shoulder is not hurting as bad!!
36. Thankful that my husband is able to work and has a job!!!!
37. Thankful for a sweet lady that has poured her heart and soul into my life!
38. Thankful for a son who makes me laugh on a regular basis.
39. Thankful that Chloe is such a wonderful big sister with a big heart!
40. Thankful for the 'hug' that Krisann gives me on a regular basis. There's nothing that melts my heart more than when she says hug and crosses her arms in front of her then leans her head into me!
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Remedial not Delinquent
That's my new phrase!! Isn't it a good thing that God's not finished with me yet??!!
A year ago today, Zine finally went to the primary care doctor!! At that appointment, he was told he needed to see a neurologist. That afternoon, the doctors office called with his appointment. At that time, I asked some further questions about what might be wrong. Motor nerve disease was what I heard. My heart went through all sorts of emotions! However, for a few days I think fear was what ate me alive. Diagnosis like ALS and MS surfaced. As my brother in law said a day or two later, the easy things have been ruled out. So a year ago today began a process that lasted until the middle of October. A process of medical tests upon tests. As I go through the next few months, I am certain to remember lots of those events. My prayer is that as I relive those events, that God would continue to heal my heart and remind me that His will for my life is that I live life to its full now! And that I would totally embrace the scripture that reminds me that His will for my life is to prosper and not to harm...to give a hope and a future.
Leading up to this appt. had been weeks of begging, pleading, threatening, bribing, etc. Any trick I could think of, I tried. In my heart, I knew there was a problem. For me, to watch him walk was an obvious symptom that something was not right! However, he did not see it my way! After his parents came for a visit and immediately noticed a problem, they began as well requesting him to see a doctor. He finally relented...not because he agreed but because he was out to prove me wrong! Need I say that through those weeks of begging, pleading, bribing, threatening, etc., our marriage suffered. I began to carry so much resentment and anger. And when our flesh begins to surface, Satan sees and knows immediately where to attack. So Satan went to work on our marriage!
As we worked our way through medical issues, our marriage continued to struggle. I said something one day that I never ever dreamed I would say! It was at that point, I knew intervention was needed. I can never be grateful enough that we have licensed counselors that are a part of our church. I'm pretty certain that it was all a part of God's plan for us to be at Southside and to have connections to people who could pour comfort, love, and wisdom into our marriage. I am so thankful that Southside Baptist Church values godly marriages!
So over the last 9 months, Zine and I have gone to counseling on a regular basis. God has definitely brought healing into our marriage. I'm certain we're not where we need to be but we've come a long way in 9 months! As we discussed issues at counseling yesterday, a funny statement was said...you're not delinquent, you're a bit remedial! I found it rather humorous and sometimes, in the middle of a heated discussion, a bit of humor is just what is needed. But as I've thought about that statement, it has so much truth in more ways than one!
I love Jesus with all my heart! I haven't turned my back on Him! But I gotta say, I definitely fall into the remedial category. One would think I would have learned by now not to have my own plan for our lives. But instead, I continue to put my own human ideas on what my life should look like. I'm convinced that God is taking me to a place of complete trust and reliance on Him. If only I could be quick learner and not so stubborn!!
A year ago today, Zine finally went to the primary care doctor!! At that appointment, he was told he needed to see a neurologist. That afternoon, the doctors office called with his appointment. At that time, I asked some further questions about what might be wrong. Motor nerve disease was what I heard. My heart went through all sorts of emotions! However, for a few days I think fear was what ate me alive. Diagnosis like ALS and MS surfaced. As my brother in law said a day or two later, the easy things have been ruled out. So a year ago today began a process that lasted until the middle of October. A process of medical tests upon tests. As I go through the next few months, I am certain to remember lots of those events. My prayer is that as I relive those events, that God would continue to heal my heart and remind me that His will for my life is that I live life to its full now! And that I would totally embrace the scripture that reminds me that His will for my life is to prosper and not to harm...to give a hope and a future.
Leading up to this appt. had been weeks of begging, pleading, threatening, bribing, etc. Any trick I could think of, I tried. In my heart, I knew there was a problem. For me, to watch him walk was an obvious symptom that something was not right! However, he did not see it my way! After his parents came for a visit and immediately noticed a problem, they began as well requesting him to see a doctor. He finally relented...not because he agreed but because he was out to prove me wrong! Need I say that through those weeks of begging, pleading, bribing, threatening, etc., our marriage suffered. I began to carry so much resentment and anger. And when our flesh begins to surface, Satan sees and knows immediately where to attack. So Satan went to work on our marriage!
As we worked our way through medical issues, our marriage continued to struggle. I said something one day that I never ever dreamed I would say! It was at that point, I knew intervention was needed. I can never be grateful enough that we have licensed counselors that are a part of our church. I'm pretty certain that it was all a part of God's plan for us to be at Southside and to have connections to people who could pour comfort, love, and wisdom into our marriage. I am so thankful that Southside Baptist Church values godly marriages!
So over the last 9 months, Zine and I have gone to counseling on a regular basis. God has definitely brought healing into our marriage. I'm certain we're not where we need to be but we've come a long way in 9 months! As we discussed issues at counseling yesterday, a funny statement was said...you're not delinquent, you're a bit remedial! I found it rather humorous and sometimes, in the middle of a heated discussion, a bit of humor is just what is needed. But as I've thought about that statement, it has so much truth in more ways than one!
I love Jesus with all my heart! I haven't turned my back on Him! But I gotta say, I definitely fall into the remedial category. One would think I would have learned by now not to have my own plan for our lives. But instead, I continue to put my own human ideas on what my life should look like. I'm convinced that God is taking me to a place of complete trust and reliance on Him. If only I could be quick learner and not so stubborn!!
Monday, March 28, 2011
Choosing to See
I recently read the book Choosing to See by Mary Beth Chapman. I cried and I laughed as I took the Chapman journey through the tremendous trial of losing their daughter. This book is one that I have many passages that I just need to memorize and put in my heart! I loved the fact that Mary Beth Chapman was so real in her book! She reminded me so much of myself!! She continued to love God despite the grief that had entered her world. But she was real in sharing those emotions of what was going on in her heart.
A quote from the book..."God!" I prayed. "I don't know that I've ever been on a journey where I really needed faith before. I could always see the path just fine. But with this, I truly don't know where the road will lead. I can only see enough by Your light to take the next little step. And the next..." "I'm willing to do this Lord," I prayed. "But I'm scared."
There have been many things that I have encountered in my life. But I have managed to handle them all with great faith. When I took Chloe through her diagnosis days, God spoke to me early on. He did indeed remind me that His grace was sufficient for me through all things. With that word so clearly spoken to my heart, I didn't feel the need to beg God for healing for Chloe. Even though my heart was sad, I had complete confidence and faith in Jesus. When we struggled with Conner's health, it was such an ongoing thing that it never got me down. The day a doctor, along with his nurse, walked into Conner' room and informed us that Conner needed to see a neurosurgeon due to a chiari malfomation, I still didn't waiver! When Krisann was 5 weeks old, I made a long trip and took my mom to a diagnostic hospital where she was diagnosed with Alzheimers Disease along with a host of other things. As I stood and held my dad one day in the hotel, my faith did not waiver. When I'm laying on a table waiting for biopsy to be done, I told the nurse, I'm not worried about the results of this test. But...when God afflicted my husband with MS...I felt for the first time my faith waiver. But after reading this quote, maybe it's not my faith that waivered. Maybe it's that I'm scared. My security has been shook to the foundation. I don't know what the future holds and when I glimpse at it, it scares me! So I'm thinking...maybe instead of struggling that I'm not glowing with happiness...I should focus on the joy that Jesus gives and have the faith to take baby steps. Sometimes knowing things in your head and connecting them with your heart can be a difficult task.
A quote from the book..."God!" I prayed. "I don't know that I've ever been on a journey where I really needed faith before. I could always see the path just fine. But with this, I truly don't know where the road will lead. I can only see enough by Your light to take the next little step. And the next..." "I'm willing to do this Lord," I prayed. "But I'm scared."
There have been many things that I have encountered in my life. But I have managed to handle them all with great faith. When I took Chloe through her diagnosis days, God spoke to me early on. He did indeed remind me that His grace was sufficient for me through all things. With that word so clearly spoken to my heart, I didn't feel the need to beg God for healing for Chloe. Even though my heart was sad, I had complete confidence and faith in Jesus. When we struggled with Conner's health, it was such an ongoing thing that it never got me down. The day a doctor, along with his nurse, walked into Conner' room and informed us that Conner needed to see a neurosurgeon due to a chiari malfomation, I still didn't waiver! When Krisann was 5 weeks old, I made a long trip and took my mom to a diagnostic hospital where she was diagnosed with Alzheimers Disease along with a host of other things. As I stood and held my dad one day in the hotel, my faith did not waiver. When I'm laying on a table waiting for biopsy to be done, I told the nurse, I'm not worried about the results of this test. But...when God afflicted my husband with MS...I felt for the first time my faith waiver. But after reading this quote, maybe it's not my faith that waivered. Maybe it's that I'm scared. My security has been shook to the foundation. I don't know what the future holds and when I glimpse at it, it scares me! So I'm thinking...maybe instead of struggling that I'm not glowing with happiness...I should focus on the joy that Jesus gives and have the faith to take baby steps. Sometimes knowing things in your head and connecting them with your heart can be a difficult task.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Girl Time
This past weekend Conner was gone camping with scouts. So I had opportunity to pour a bit of girl time into Chloe. It made me realize that I need to carve out more time to spend with her. Right now, she is soaking up the attention of her daddy. She wants to be with him anytime she has the opportunity, not me. But...I think I get the privilege of sharing her heart on a regular basis.
On occasion, I have taken her with me to do something specific. But Saturday, God had just been prompting my heart to do something with her. First, she got her hair cut. But, it was a new stylist and we didn't communicate too well. Chloe ended up with a rather short hairdo! Over and over again, on Saturday she said something to me about her hair. I felt so bad!!! She just doesn't like it short. The good news is that it will grow. I've done crazy things to my hair on purpose and regretted it...so I can sympathize with where her heart is! And it hurts my heart.
After Krisann was went down for nap, Chloe was working on an art project. Out of the clear blue sky, I asked Chloe if she'd like to go get her toenails painted or would she rather do art. She literally looked like she was in shock. At that very moment, I realized that I needed to be more intent on spending some fun time with her. I asked her why she had that look and her response was she couldn't believe that I would want to do that. I, of course, told her I liked to do anything she liked to do. So off we went to the cheap salon near our home. At first, Chloe didn't want a pedicure she just wanted them to paint her toenails but after a bit of persuasion on my part, she finally relented.
What a fun time we shared together just getting a cheap old pedicure.
Saturday night as I was tucking her in, she reminded me of a teenager at church that had just gotten her hair cut short as well. So, it seemed after remembering that Julie had short hair...it might be okay for her. Thankfully, when we got to church on Sunday...guess who was one of the first people she saw...Julie!! So they had to pose for quick picture.
So now after a fun girl weekend with Chloe, I'm on a mission to make sure that I do more intentional girl things with Chloe!
On occasion, I have taken her with me to do something specific. But Saturday, God had just been prompting my heart to do something with her. First, she got her hair cut. But, it was a new stylist and we didn't communicate too well. Chloe ended up with a rather short hairdo! Over and over again, on Saturday she said something to me about her hair. I felt so bad!!! She just doesn't like it short. The good news is that it will grow. I've done crazy things to my hair on purpose and regretted it...so I can sympathize with where her heart is! And it hurts my heart.
After Krisann was went down for nap, Chloe was working on an art project. Out of the clear blue sky, I asked Chloe if she'd like to go get her toenails painted or would she rather do art. She literally looked like she was in shock. At that very moment, I realized that I needed to be more intent on spending some fun time with her. I asked her why she had that look and her response was she couldn't believe that I would want to do that. I, of course, told her I liked to do anything she liked to do. So off we went to the cheap salon near our home. At first, Chloe didn't want a pedicure she just wanted them to paint her toenails but after a bit of persuasion on my part, she finally relented.
What a fun time we shared together just getting a cheap old pedicure.
Saturday night as I was tucking her in, she reminded me of a teenager at church that had just gotten her hair cut short as well. So, it seemed after remembering that Julie had short hair...it might be okay for her. Thankfully, when we got to church on Sunday...guess who was one of the first people she saw...Julie!! So they had to pose for quick picture.
So now after a fun girl weekend with Chloe, I'm on a mission to make sure that I do more intentional girl things with Chloe!
Monday, March 21, 2011
Multitude of Blessings
Adding to my list of thankfulness today.
#21...Thankful for not having to dread a biopsy...they did it immediately.
#22...Thankful for a familiar face and word of encouragement while I was there.
#23...Thankful for the conversations I got to have in the waiting room that day.
#24...Thankful for the book that I happened to be reading while in waiting room...even before I knew a biopsy was in order I was reading about worry and stress.
#25...Thankful for friend who kept my children a lot longer than I ever expected.
#26...Thankful for friend who came and stayed at my house while I was recouperating.
#27...Thankful for the ladies who brought my family dinner.
#28...Thankful for some relief for my shoulder.
#29...Thankful for an aunt who called me daily...she knew it was a time that I would miss my mom.
#30...Thankful for my sweet hubby who offered lots of comfort and physical help while I was down.
#21...Thankful for not having to dread a biopsy...they did it immediately.
#22...Thankful for a familiar face and word of encouragement while I was there.
#23...Thankful for the conversations I got to have in the waiting room that day.
#24...Thankful for the book that I happened to be reading while in waiting room...even before I knew a biopsy was in order I was reading about worry and stress.
#25...Thankful for friend who kept my children a lot longer than I ever expected.
#26...Thankful for friend who came and stayed at my house while I was recouperating.
#27...Thankful for the ladies who brought my family dinner.
#28...Thankful for some relief for my shoulder.
#29...Thankful for an aunt who called me daily...she knew it was a time that I would miss my mom.
#30...Thankful for my sweet hubby who offered lots of comfort and physical help while I was down.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Still Recovering
Another week and still recovering. Haven't been on computer much. But my shoulder has been killing me. Not exactly sure what is going on with it but I know that it has been unbearable. Went to primary doctor Monday...xrays, steroid pack, muscle relaxer even after that still no relief. I have cried a lot the last two weeks! I am NOT a good sick person! I am also not a big natural med/chiropractor kind of person. However, on Wednesday out of desperation I called a chiropractor in our church and begged for an immediate appointment. Saw him on Thursday at 8 am and again this morning. Will be going back Monday morning. Hopefully, by Tuesday or so...I'll be back to normal! I'm sure hoping! Actually, I'm just praying that over the weekend God would go ahead and heal my body completely. I'm pretty certain that the amount of stress I have been under the past year has played it's part in allowing my body to react the way it has the last two weeks.
I hate that my family has had to endure this with me. But they have been fabulous! They all deserve gold medals!! My kids have been extra help! My hubby has been sweet and picked up extra slack even when he didn't feel like it himself! I'm so thankful for my family!
My son is camping this weekend with the scouts. It is going to be a beautiful weekend for camping! Praying he has a wonderful time!! I'm on the lookout for something fun to do with my big girl tomorrow! It's kind of hard to want to do something when you don't feel 100% but I don't have opportunity often with just her. So I want to do something with her.
Hopefully this next week I will get back in my routine of writing and updating! Definitely need to get some thankful ideas out of my head and onto some "paper"! It helps me a lot to have to write out my thankful thoughts!! I think I tend to get in the generality of thankfulness instead of truly counting blessings.
I hate that my family has had to endure this with me. But they have been fabulous! They all deserve gold medals!! My kids have been extra help! My hubby has been sweet and picked up extra slack even when he didn't feel like it himself! I'm so thankful for my family!
My son is camping this weekend with the scouts. It is going to be a beautiful weekend for camping! Praying he has a wonderful time!! I'm on the lookout for something fun to do with my big girl tomorrow! It's kind of hard to want to do something when you don't feel 100% but I don't have opportunity often with just her. So I want to do something with her.
Hopefully this next week I will get back in my routine of writing and updating! Definitely need to get some thankful ideas out of my head and onto some "paper"! It helps me a lot to have to write out my thankful thoughts!! I think I tend to get in the generality of thankfulness instead of truly counting blessings.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
In Typical Smith Fashion Part 2
Today I think I have survived this ordeal! I feel so much better today!
The good news I received was that the tumor was benign! I should have been overjoyed with that news but when they called me I felt so horrible I didn't appreciate it nearly enough! Today I appreciate that word much more!!
The crazy part of my feeling so bad has been that my shoulder has absolutely killed me. I think my shoulder has hurt worse than my breast has! I'm not exactly sure why that is the case but I think for whatever reason that made me feel worse than I would have normally.
I am so thankful for the way it worked out. It was not in my plans. As I've studied Jonah The Life Interrupted, I've learned that the author (Priscilla Shirer) calls them divine interruptions. My life was definitely interrupted this week for whatever reason.
For the first time in a very long time, I found the sofa and stayed there! I can think of very few times when I have laid around here and done NOTHING!! And when I ask for help...one must know that I think I'm about to die!! I asked for help this week! Monday a friend kept my children for what turned out to be four hours! And on Tuesday, I had another friend come and take care of Krisann. My sweet pastor's wife brought dinner on Tuesday night. And another friend is bringing dinner tonight. So I have been well cared for this week!
I did do some school with my big kids today! I have picked Krisann up today. Up until today, I have only allowed her in my lap when I had a pillow and she had to climb up. But today my soreness is a lot better (except for my shoulder). This morning when I went in her room I didn't have a pillow so she handed me her pillow pet out of her bed before I could pick her up!! Boo boo is her new word!
The rest of my family have definitely been great helpers as well. They've been so patient and sympathetic! And I know that I have put them all through quite a roller coaster of emotions this week. When I explained what had happened and why I was gone for four hours...Conner's immediate response was the way our luck was that I'd die in a month! Chloe cried and cried. Zine's stress was obvious as well. Thankfully, as I feel better they feel better too! I didn't realize how much how much we as mom's set the emotional status of our home. I definitely will be more in tune to my emotional status with that realization!
So although, I had a scare and wanted to make sure everyone knew me, the end result this time was good! We definitely needed a good report!
The good news I received was that the tumor was benign! I should have been overjoyed with that news but when they called me I felt so horrible I didn't appreciate it nearly enough! Today I appreciate that word much more!!
The crazy part of my feeling so bad has been that my shoulder has absolutely killed me. I think my shoulder has hurt worse than my breast has! I'm not exactly sure why that is the case but I think for whatever reason that made me feel worse than I would have normally.
I am so thankful for the way it worked out. It was not in my plans. As I've studied Jonah The Life Interrupted, I've learned that the author (Priscilla Shirer) calls them divine interruptions. My life was definitely interrupted this week for whatever reason.
For the first time in a very long time, I found the sofa and stayed there! I can think of very few times when I have laid around here and done NOTHING!! And when I ask for help...one must know that I think I'm about to die!! I asked for help this week! Monday a friend kept my children for what turned out to be four hours! And on Tuesday, I had another friend come and take care of Krisann. My sweet pastor's wife brought dinner on Tuesday night. And another friend is bringing dinner tonight. So I have been well cared for this week!
I did do some school with my big kids today! I have picked Krisann up today. Up until today, I have only allowed her in my lap when I had a pillow and she had to climb up. But today my soreness is a lot better (except for my shoulder). This morning when I went in her room I didn't have a pillow so she handed me her pillow pet out of her bed before I could pick her up!! Boo boo is her new word!
The rest of my family have definitely been great helpers as well. They've been so patient and sympathetic! And I know that I have put them all through quite a roller coaster of emotions this week. When I explained what had happened and why I was gone for four hours...Conner's immediate response was the way our luck was that I'd die in a month! Chloe cried and cried. Zine's stress was obvious as well. Thankfully, as I feel better they feel better too! I didn't realize how much how much we as mom's set the emotional status of our home. I definitely will be more in tune to my emotional status with that realization!
So although, I had a scare and wanted to make sure everyone knew me, the end result this time was good! We definitely needed a good report!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
In Typical Smith Style
For those of us that know us, you know that we have the worst luck when it comes to medical issues. And typically, they aren't usual medical issues. We like to do things differently for some reason.
Last Thursday, I had a routine mammogram. Sunday evening, I received a phone call requesting that I come back in Monday morning for a second more detailed mammogram. The nurse assured me that lots of ladies were called back and it was no biggie! So I wasn't concerned...I was aggravated. As a homeschool mom and a mother of a toddler, there is no easy way to go to the doctor...especially for a mammogram!
Monday morning I joined the two dozen other women in the waiting room at the same time about 9:15! It wasn't long before I had my second mammogram. Several many ladies came and went while I was waiting. The tech comes out and tells me that I need to have an ultrasound done. So they take me for that procedure! Then I'm back in the waiting room.
At this point...I decide it's time to make friends. I had become a bit uncomfortable at what might be going on. I figured all those ladies were in that waiting room were there for the same reason...so I might as well see if any of them could give me information. One of the ladies actually had breast cancer and had just taken her last radiation treatment. I was so thankful for the conversations God allowed me to have while I was there. Someone asked me if I worked there, when I responded no, she said..."it seems like you know everyone around here!" Nope...didn't know a single soul but I took advantage of my opportunity to share comfort with others and to gain some insights I would not have had otherwise.
Now, let me tell you, there were two women who had to have ultrasounds but soon after they were told they could leave. But in usual Smith Style of wanting to make sure everyone knows us, I was called back for my third time. This time, I was led to the radiologist office. At this point, I knew I wasn't done and about to go home! In a dark office with one wall lined with computer screens, the radiologist says pull up a chair! Let me show you. There really wasn't any need to show me...I could see plain as day there was a spot! But the radiologist explained the different views and different tests, and the spot was present in all of them! Because it had little fingers, it was recommended that a biopsy be performed. The radiologist had already talked to my doctor! (I knew I had more time to make conversation than other women in there.) So, I was faced with a choice...they could do the biopsy right then or I could come back the next day. I chose to go ahead. I know me well enough to know that time to dwell on what's about to happen is NOT a good thing.
Let me just say at this point, I am scared to death. I have only sort of known one person to have to had this done so I knew no one to call to prep me! Had I have had that ladies number I would have probably been calling her...but I didn't. I think God put me in a spot where I had to say...God you're all I have right now. I need you to comfort my heart, calm my fears, and I really need you to allow this not to hurt too bad God!! I had about 20 minutes to ponder what I had just agreed to do. A nurse shows up and off I head to biopsy!
Once everything is all prepped and I am ready to go, I get to lay still for a few moments and wait for the doctor to come perform biopsy. I find myself ready to jump out of my skin. But then I breathe my prayer before a Father whom know me better than I know myself. I told Him how scared I was and how I needed Him to calm my fears and not let this storm overtake me! Looking back, I think He did that! At the time, I wasn't sure I knew that! When the doctor started, I closed my eyes and really could not believe that I was going through this!
I'm done were some of the nice words I heard from the doctor that day. I'm thinking...sweet...I'm about to be able to go home And then I learn....I have to have another mammogram on the breast that they just worked on. Thankfully, it was numb!! So...I get to wait another few minutes for that to happen. By this time it is lunch and the waiting room is empty. But several of the techs/nurses came by and kept me company. I think they all felt sorry for me!
In all the hustle and bustle, I don't think anyone told me how truly awful I was going to feel afterwards. And I guess I'm dumb enough to think I am truly superwoman! God has definitely showed me this week I am not superwoman. For the first time in I don't know how long, I have spent many hours on my sofa doing nothing! I have had to reinforcements. Haven't liked it but I've been in a place where I had no choice. I'm pretty certain that God is not done using this situation in my life. I think He has much to teach me from this experience.
I have typed all I can physically type right now. I will type part 2 later!
Last Thursday, I had a routine mammogram. Sunday evening, I received a phone call requesting that I come back in Monday morning for a second more detailed mammogram. The nurse assured me that lots of ladies were called back and it was no biggie! So I wasn't concerned...I was aggravated. As a homeschool mom and a mother of a toddler, there is no easy way to go to the doctor...especially for a mammogram!
Monday morning I joined the two dozen other women in the waiting room at the same time about 9:15! It wasn't long before I had my second mammogram. Several many ladies came and went while I was waiting. The tech comes out and tells me that I need to have an ultrasound done. So they take me for that procedure! Then I'm back in the waiting room.
At this point...I decide it's time to make friends. I had become a bit uncomfortable at what might be going on. I figured all those ladies were in that waiting room were there for the same reason...so I might as well see if any of them could give me information. One of the ladies actually had breast cancer and had just taken her last radiation treatment. I was so thankful for the conversations God allowed me to have while I was there. Someone asked me if I worked there, when I responded no, she said..."it seems like you know everyone around here!" Nope...didn't know a single soul but I took advantage of my opportunity to share comfort with others and to gain some insights I would not have had otherwise.
Now, let me tell you, there were two women who had to have ultrasounds but soon after they were told they could leave. But in usual Smith Style of wanting to make sure everyone knows us, I was called back for my third time. This time, I was led to the radiologist office. At this point, I knew I wasn't done and about to go home! In a dark office with one wall lined with computer screens, the radiologist says pull up a chair! Let me show you. There really wasn't any need to show me...I could see plain as day there was a spot! But the radiologist explained the different views and different tests, and the spot was present in all of them! Because it had little fingers, it was recommended that a biopsy be performed. The radiologist had already talked to my doctor! (I knew I had more time to make conversation than other women in there.) So, I was faced with a choice...they could do the biopsy right then or I could come back the next day. I chose to go ahead. I know me well enough to know that time to dwell on what's about to happen is NOT a good thing.
Let me just say at this point, I am scared to death. I have only sort of known one person to have to had this done so I knew no one to call to prep me! Had I have had that ladies number I would have probably been calling her...but I didn't. I think God put me in a spot where I had to say...God you're all I have right now. I need you to comfort my heart, calm my fears, and I really need you to allow this not to hurt too bad God!! I had about 20 minutes to ponder what I had just agreed to do. A nurse shows up and off I head to biopsy!
Once everything is all prepped and I am ready to go, I get to lay still for a few moments and wait for the doctor to come perform biopsy. I find myself ready to jump out of my skin. But then I breathe my prayer before a Father whom know me better than I know myself. I told Him how scared I was and how I needed Him to calm my fears and not let this storm overtake me! Looking back, I think He did that! At the time, I wasn't sure I knew that! When the doctor started, I closed my eyes and really could not believe that I was going through this!
I'm done were some of the nice words I heard from the doctor that day. I'm thinking...sweet...I'm about to be able to go home And then I learn....I have to have another mammogram on the breast that they just worked on. Thankfully, it was numb!! So...I get to wait another few minutes for that to happen. By this time it is lunch and the waiting room is empty. But several of the techs/nurses came by and kept me company. I think they all felt sorry for me!
In all the hustle and bustle, I don't think anyone told me how truly awful I was going to feel afterwards. And I guess I'm dumb enough to think I am truly superwoman! God has definitely showed me this week I am not superwoman. For the first time in I don't know how long, I have spent many hours on my sofa doing nothing! I have had to reinforcements. Haven't liked it but I've been in a place where I had no choice. I'm pretty certain that God is not done using this situation in my life. I think He has much to teach me from this experience.
I have typed all I can physically type right now. I will type part 2 later!
Monday, March 7, 2011
Wanna Be Done
So, I'm pretty certain I'm not the only one that ever justs wants to throw their hands up and quit!! Just be done! Seems like doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is not very uplifting. I know what I'm doing is good and something I need to do but the response just makes me want to be done!
Sometimes when a hospital calls me on a Sunday afternoon, requesting I come back in Monday morning, I want to be done!
Sometimes when I can't sleep at night...I want to be done! Just give me less stress or a different life so I don't spend so many nights awake wondering about ifs.
Sometimes toddlers make me want to be done. Krisann is teething and she is quite demanding. After wrapping her baby up with a blanket numerous times...I'm ready to be done. After being instructed which versus of the Wheels on the Bus song to sing...I want to be done.
Sometimes I just want to be done parenting. When I very nicely suggest wearing something besides tennis clothes to church gets a stomp down the hall I'm mad at you response. I want to throw my hands up and be done!
When sweet Chloe needs warm rice bag because her feet hurt....well....that doesn't make me want to be done. It makes me realize that I am needed. No one else would rub her feet and warm them up like I do. No one else would love my son as much as I do....to be able to look at him in the middle of the sermon this morning, smile, and know that part of the message was for him. No one else would enjoy snuggling with Krisann as much as her mama does. They sure wouldn't be teaching her all the fun things she's learning. So...I'm reminded of the scripture where Paul says, “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Gal. 6:9).
This verse has new meaning to me now. Even though I want to be done God encourages me to not give up!! Wouldn't I hate to miss something good from God just because I was weary of doing good. What if God would bring healing to my children or to my husband if I persevered and didn't grow weary?
So...I'm not done. Sometimes I wanna be and that's okay. But I'm dependent on a God to keep me from being weary. I think He's big enough to handle that. Now...if I can only put my faith into action and believe all that in my heart!
Sometimes when a hospital calls me on a Sunday afternoon, requesting I come back in Monday morning, I want to be done!
Sometimes when I can't sleep at night...I want to be done! Just give me less stress or a different life so I don't spend so many nights awake wondering about ifs.
Sometimes toddlers make me want to be done. Krisann is teething and she is quite demanding. After wrapping her baby up with a blanket numerous times...I'm ready to be done. After being instructed which versus of the Wheels on the Bus song to sing...I want to be done.
Sometimes I just want to be done parenting. When I very nicely suggest wearing something besides tennis clothes to church gets a stomp down the hall I'm mad at you response. I want to throw my hands up and be done!
When sweet Chloe needs warm rice bag because her feet hurt....well....that doesn't make me want to be done. It makes me realize that I am needed. No one else would rub her feet and warm them up like I do. No one else would love my son as much as I do....to be able to look at him in the middle of the sermon this morning, smile, and know that part of the message was for him. No one else would enjoy snuggling with Krisann as much as her mama does. They sure wouldn't be teaching her all the fun things she's learning. So...I'm reminded of the scripture where Paul says, “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Gal. 6:9).
This verse has new meaning to me now. Even though I want to be done God encourages me to not give up!! Wouldn't I hate to miss something good from God just because I was weary of doing good. What if God would bring healing to my children or to my husband if I persevered and didn't grow weary?
So...I'm not done. Sometimes I wanna be and that's okay. But I'm dependent on a God to keep me from being weary. I think He's big enough to handle that. Now...if I can only put my faith into action and believe all that in my heart!
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Thanksgiving List
Adding to my thanksgiving list...
#11--Thankful that details of the ladies retreat fell together last weekend.
#12--Thankful that God brought ladies of all ages to the retreat.
#13--Thankful for the doctors and antibiotics that finally brought some healing to my kids.
#14--Thankful for a friend who received an adoption referral!!!!
#15--Thankful that I was able to offer a bit of comfort and encouragement to another friend this week.
#16--Thankful for the warmer weather where we can get outside some!
#17--Thankful that the orthodontist didn't think we needed to do something immediately for Chloe!
#18--Thankful that hubby has a job and that he isn't working for free right now!!
#19--Thankful that I am involved in a Bible study entitled Jonah: Navigating a Life Interrupted. I definitely am benefiting from that study!
#20--Thankful for the MS nurse who called today and gave some suggestions.
#11--Thankful that details of the ladies retreat fell together last weekend.
#12--Thankful that God brought ladies of all ages to the retreat.
#13--Thankful for the doctors and antibiotics that finally brought some healing to my kids.
#14--Thankful for a friend who received an adoption referral!!!!
#15--Thankful that I was able to offer a bit of comfort and encouragement to another friend this week.
#16--Thankful for the warmer weather where we can get outside some!
#17--Thankful that the orthodontist didn't think we needed to do something immediately for Chloe!
#18--Thankful that hubby has a job and that he isn't working for free right now!!
#19--Thankful that I am involved in a Bible study entitled Jonah: Navigating a Life Interrupted. I definitely am benefiting from that study!
#20--Thankful for the MS nurse who called today and gave some suggestions.
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