Family Stress

I wanted to keep my blog entries separated today. The seeds deserved a space all of their own.

Our family has been under huge stress lately. It has got to let up soon! Zine's entry on March 28 gives a bit of insight into some of the things going on in our family.

Church is supposed to be a wonderful place to go! It's supposed to be a place of safety! A place for relationships and bonding! For me, over the last several years, church has been a place of stress. We made a very difficult decision to leave a church. It broke our hearts to leave, but felt very strongly that God called us to leave. There were things going on that we were not comfortable with. So we search for where church home should be. We get intertwined with a new church start. We looked forward to that opportunity of service. We have definitely learned a lot through this process. But along with learning, there has been much heartache! So needless to say, church has definitely added stress to my life. Sometimes I want to leave church, come home, and watch church on TV! God gave me a verse that I'm claiming as a promise but it says that after suffering a little while, God himself will restore me, making me strong, firm and stedfast. Of course, I keep asking where God is going to restore me and what does that look like...of course...I don't know the answer. But I'm certain He'll show me in His time. I also know that I'm supposed to be serving. I get joy from serving in church. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm supposed to go back to work part time. I've prayed a lot about whether this is something I should do or not. But I do love working in the church. I used to be a children's minister...but lately...God has really been giving me a vision for family ministry. Bringing children, parents, teenagers, grandparents together. Providing family enriching activities for all to enjoy. That's what I want to be involved in! I also want to be a part of a vibrant women's ministry. I have had so many different experiences in my life, I'd love to be able to work with women and share some of my life with them. Minister to women who struggle on a daily basis! I have no idea what God wants me to do...but I'm thinking that He's got to be working because life has definitely been difficult. As far as the new church, it has great potential. God could do amazing things with this church! I have no doubt about that!

Chloe has been back to crying a good bit lately. I think I've pinpointed that she's getting too tired one day so the next she cries. She's also had like this little cold that won't go away! Then her total fear of things can take its toll on me as well. Bugs are like the worst thing for her...she's incredibly fearful of anything that flies outside! At this time of the year, that means she's not able to playout because bugs are always flying. Fear of being alone is another huge issue! We make progress in one area and then it surfaces in another area. I remind her all the time that God does not give us a spirit of fear. It's just weird that a child can have so much fear...I wish I knew why! The only thing I can wonder is with her future being so uncertain could it be causing fear in all areas??

Conner is enjoying tennis very much. He's planning on playing in a jr. league this summer. That'll be interesting I'm sure. But I'm so thankful that he loves it! He's also about to graduate from speech therapy. We've been doing speech since he was three. He'll be 10 in few months! Hallelujah to be done with that! I sure hope he starts growing. It's really bothering him that he's not growing. Chloe's bigger than he is! People are always saying how much Chloe has grown and then here's Conner! We did some lab work to test and there was nothing way out of normal. He has until June to grow. If he's still not grown any, then he'll be referred to yet another specialist! However, I really think his not growing is medicine related. He takes all this asthma medicine and deep down I think that's the issue! If we could get him all well and get him off some of the meds he takes, I think he might grown.

Our granny is very sick! She kept Conner when I worked at Central Baptist. She has been about the only person that I've left my kids with for any length of time. I've hired a babysitter for couple of hours but she's kept my kids while I went to Bha for various reasons, for Zine and I to go on dates, but more than keeping my kids...she has been a friend. She has been someone I have shared my personal feelings with. Sometimes I'd share with her more details than I share with anyone. I'll definitely miss her and her encouragement when she is gone. She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer the end of January. She is in the hospital with very little time left! She has been one big fighter though! But she told me the day she received her diagnosis that the cancer might take her life but she would fight it with all she had! So despite how tired her family is...she has kept her word.

My mom is not well. She had back surgery but the problem is not fixed. She is very much stuck at home now. And not only stuck at home, she's not able to be up and about. She is in almost constant pain. And not just a little bit of pain, I'm talking real tears kind of pain. It breaks my heart for her. I do hope the surgeon might can do something else to ease her pain. But I know there are a lot of people who struggle with constant back pain. But this has totally made her homebound. Unless she gets better, I do not believe she will ever be physically able to come to my house again. But I'm praying for her that somewhere there would be some healing so that she would be able to function again. I'm also worried about her emotional state. I believe she is depressed. But who wouldn't be? I know I would be.

Homeschool is good...but I'm ready for break! I have got to bury my heels in and get these last five weeks done. It's just seemed incredibly hard since Christmas to be consistent!

So, with all these stresses, God's gotta be about to do something very big in our lives!! Don't know what, but I'm anxiously awaiting that event! It's gotta be good. In the meantime, I'm trying to learn whatever I'm supposed to learn through all these trials.